8. Jive & Ebonics

Ever since sewing underground railroad messages into quilts, the black culture of America has been seeking newer and more convoluted ways to communicate with one another.

Even though their lives are no longer in danger and the south has been "free" for over a century, many blacks still feel like they belong to a secret society which needs to exclude white people by any means necessary.

In order to weed out those who are real and those who are simply posers, the black community constantly molds its dialect daily to keep outsiders from ever getting too close to "the truth". What the truth IS exactly cannot be determined at this point. When I asked about it I was called a "flabeezy howe" and asked to "scoot my skinny ass white girl bootay up out dis peece". I assume that means "none of your business" but I could be wrong.

7. Fried Chicken & Cornbread

I'm not gonna lie. I like the stuff too. It's an old southern tradition ofmaking ends meet when you're poor and gotta feed a ton of damn kids. Using all the "dark meat" parts of the chicken that uppity northerners wouldn't feed to their dogs, southern folk found a way to deep fry it in batter to hide the greasy fat flavor.

Once it worked for chicken, we started throwing in more bread (you know, so you get full faster) and deep frying everything in batter. Like some crazy deep-south tempura we started frying up pickles and okra and even cheesecake!

So why do black people get drawn to this stuff so easily? Well, the same reason farmers back in Georgia and Louisianna did: It's cheap, it feeds a large family and you feel full and satisfied quicker. Comfort food.

6. Scarface

His image is all over movie posters, tennis shoes and even $5,000 leather jackets. He is the epitome of cool and the face of a era long since dead.

Ahh the good old days... when a ganster could be an overacting pseudo-cubano and still get all the money and hos. I can see the attraction here. He had a glamorous lifestyle. For a while.

But the thug-life is not all it seems on the big screen. As much as so many young black men want to whip it out and scream "Say hello to my leetle fren!" it just doesn't have that luster anymore.

So they hold on to what they can of that bygone tommygun Al Capone era and sing songs about the good old days when a gangsta was straight up gangsta, no playin'.

5. Stomp / Tribal Dances

In an effort to "reconnect" with their tribal roots (whether African or Jamaican), young black men and women have been celebrating the ancient arts of dance and rythym. Communicating only through their hands slapping and their feet colliding with the earth, entire tales are woven for the viewing audience.

Always one to draw immediate attention to themselves, they have been known to perform in subway stations and school playgrounds no matter who may be needing to walk through at the time. Rather than dance in theatres or set aside scheduled performance times, these groups like to express the wild freedom of their dance by breaking free of such rigid rules and regulations.

4. Hating the Federal Gvmnt.

Nothing gets a black person's panties up in a bunch more than seeing some poor black person losing their stuff over a government fuck up.

Now, instead of attacking the directly involved individuals (local police, firemen, governors and mayors) they like to go "straight to the top!" and blame the president. Whether it's lowered teaching conditions or natural disasters, whoever's sitting in that oval office better be ready to answer for it.

Besides, it's so much easier to blame the guy you DIDN'T vote for than the ones you did. Right?

3. Custom Hats

Once you've got those purple sneaks you just GOTTA have a cap in the exact shade of plum-cherry and with the same 'Scarface' smirk you plastered on your ankles. Might as well get the jumpsuit too, but we'll talk about that later!

There is no better way to complete your outfit than getting a custom baseball cap fitted specifically for your skull so no one else can ever wear it. Cause you know someone's gonna try to up and snatch that shit. I mean damn, look how expensive it is!

In fact, I suggest you leave the stickers and tags on it so all the fine bitches on your train route know just how loaded you once were. You know, before you bought the hat.

2. Expensive Shoes

There's nothing that makes a minimum wage paycheck disappear faster than a new pair of Air Jordans. This time, with the RED sole! Much like upper east side housewives collect their 5k heels from Macy's, black teens and young adults are drawn to the allure and status symbol of 'new sneaks'.

Not only name brand and hot-out-the-box but I'm talking custom print one-of-a-kind sneaks too. You can now get your favorite sports team, movie poster, cartoon chracter or even your current baby's momma's middle name tatted up on your shoes. In any shade needed to match your outfit for the day!

1. Generic "White" Jokes

If you're a black comedian looking to make it big, you're best bet is to overgeneralize white people. Your audience will eat it up. GO AHEAD! Say white folk all dance the same and they all talk the same, even if you know it isn't true. Who cares!?

The entertainment business is all about making money. So if you can do it at the expense of feigning ignorance and assuming all white people look and sound like those guys from "Revenge of the Nerds" then go for it. After all, almost every famous black comedian started their career by poking fun at how goofy white boys walk and how little white girls can't shake they booty for a damn. Why can't you?